hello. were u looking for me

 long time? yea i think its been a while since i saw the real me. lately she's started to shine through. where have u been? shrouded in the mist of life or smothered by my pretending? hhmmm....... there u r. yes i can say that I've missed u. i cant wait to show u to the world, i think they'll enjoy it. so come with me, lets explore who we r together. let the transformation begin..... Bring on the happiness.

another connection to reality

so i finally have my computer bak after 3 weeks, damn. i missed it, cant deny that. but even when we did get it bak, it took me 3 or so days to actually get on it. i currently dont have my phone, it mysteriously broke. kinda wierd, but i wont be getting that bak for 3 or so weeks, stupid phone company. i feel disconnected from my friends and reality..... i guess that comes with change. getting my license and the change of growing up, ha..... i remember when 17 was old, boy was i wrong. but im starting to connect with everyone again, slowly. im starting to really see how things and most importantly ppl have changed or are changing. myb they're just being themselves because they felt that they couldnt be who they r in high school or myb they just dont care anymore. hell i dont think i care anymore..... well i dont like some of the changes i see, some of them r not so nice and some r so damn confusing..... like how i thought u hated someone and yet he's on there where im not. how ironic, u talk to me more than them, a hell of alot more. well damn, did i miss the big picture or wat? anyway, its not hurting my feelings. on to other ...... things. u act so spineless and like u dont have a mean bone in ur body yet u teased him at school and made fun of him, like he was insignificant. he probably wanted to kill himself every time u called him fat or dumb. for ur fuckin information he's a really sweet person and he's not fat and he's alot smarter than u. *sigh, but i guess we all fall and r weak sometime, we go along with wat we think other ppl would like or accept us for. following someone around like a lost puppy, i guess u dont see it that way when ur doing it. but if u take a big step bak and get ur head from out of his ass then u'll see that he's not worth it. he's not god's gift to u or to humanity. but it's ur life and i cant control it, so watever. i guess im just another passing bystanderd in the lives of my friends. i hope im more, myb some historic monument.........lol. cuz u r to me, all of u.

i think it describes me......

Verse 1
I never promised you a ray of light,
I never promised there'd be sunshine everyday,
I'll give you everything I have, the good, the bad.
Why do you put me on a pedestal,
I'm so up high that I can't see the ground below,
So help me down you've got it wrong, I don't belong there.

Chorus
One thing is clear,
I wear a halo,
I wear a halo when you look at me,
But standing from here, you wouldn't say so
You wouldn't say so, if you were me
And I, I just wanna love you,
Oh oh I, I just wanna love you

Verse 2
I always said that I would make mistakes,
I'm only human, and that's my saving grace,
I fall as hard as I try
So don't be blinded
See me as I really am, I have flaws and sometimes I even sin,
so pull me from that pedestal,
I don't belong there.

Chorus
One thing is clear,
I wear a halo,
I wear a halo when you look at me,
But standing from here, you wouldn't say so
You wouldn't say so, if you were me
And I, I just wanna love you,
Oh oh I, I just wanna love you

Why you think that you know me
But In your eyes
I am something above you
It's only in your mind
Only in your mind
I wear a
I wear a
I wear a Halo

One thing is clear,
I wear a halo,
I wear a halo when you look at me,
But standing from here, you wouldn't say so
You wouldn't say so, if you were me
And I, I just wanna love you,
Oh oh I, I just wanna love you

Haaa ha-ha halo(x10)

long time......where have u been?

thats a good question. where have i been, ha, far the hell away from reality i guess. Maybe cuz im scared of an uncertain future or im hiding from the present, so i guess i'll release my caged thoughts. ok so i've been listenin 2 everyone talk about prom and today i got bak our prom pics. and surprisingly i look good, and i have a hot date, thank u mel!! prom was fun a little hectic in the beginning but it turned out good, me and my friends were the best lookin ones there. duh! i got 2 stay out past my curfew and mel got 2 stay the night so those were 2 new things and fun! thank ya'll for bein there wit me and lookin hot cuz if ya'll would've looked like some roaches i'd have disowned ya'll, j/k. i love ya'll. ok now im focusing on wats comin up, friends moving away, college, court, myb movin out on my own. who knows? i dont! damn i hate not knowin wats gonna happen. *sigh. i want 2 keep in contact wit all my friends and make new ones. i want 2 resolve any problems me and my friends may have between us that need 2 be. at the moment i may seem distant and cold, its not cuz i dont care, cuz i do. its just some things are comin up and im really scared and worried about the outcome and how it'll affect my future/present. i guess i'll have 2 deal or as my mom says, put on my big girl panties. myb i dont wanna grow up, *pouts. Peter keep the gates to Neverland open for me 2nite.

bye

*sigh. this is always so hard for me but also very necessary. im cutting out the ppl in my life that need 2 be cut out, because they r not only unhealthy for me but they r bringing me down. these ppl are mostly my past loves, relationships, etc, and rarely old friends. so as i prepare 2 cut yet another out, im only putting it off and blaming it on my slow internet, i'll have 2 do not because i want 2 but because i have 2. i now hate her so much that myb part of me does want 2 cut her out. its her fault, i've accepted her flaws, she lies, cheats, hell myb even steals. but this one thing just as they say, broke the camels back. damn her, i wont regret this, its for the best and i know that i'll b a hell of a lot happier without her. so here goes, im gonna tell her bye. forever.

damn u trace adkins

im listenin 2 the song called, Then They Do. and as the tears well up in my eyes i think, i never cry during songs or movies or books, but this song just hits a nerve and i wanna cry so bad. its talkin about his kids bein little and runnin around and makin noise in the mornin gettin ready 4 skool but then 1 mornin he wakes up and its quiet cuz there all grown up and in college and gettin married. so now im thinkin thats how my mom feels u knoe, im a senior in high skool lookin at prom and then graduation, college is a blink away. i bet 2 her it was yesterday that i was 8 and runnin around gettin ready for my concerts or w/e. but now im grown and still growing and i bet she feels like i wont need her ever again, but i know i will. mom i love u so much and no matter how old i get i want u around and i'll always be ur little girl, mommy i love u. ya'll should def go download this song.

pretending

think. think. ok one problem at a time. so ur stressed and i completely understand. but i can only take bein ur scapegoat for so long now. do u honestly think im gonna b around forever. u keep pushin and one day im gonna walk out and i promise this time i wont come bak like some damn wounded lion with hurt pride. damn u and ur controlling/loving ways. u lie, u wont admit it but u do, especially about somethin this big. u swore u'd quit, u said u'd do it for me but u lied. u had me fooled for a little while but i figured out u were still using, and now u dont bother 2 hide it anymore, like its damn normal. honestly, dont fool urself its not normal, its unhealthy and hurtful. u dont realize how bad u hurt me cuz i've given up on tryin 2 tell u, its like tryin 2 talk 2 a cold stone wall that cares enuf 2 b considered human. lmao. how bitter sweet ur so much like her and i knoe u hate it, the only difference is u stayed for me, but not the other. y the hell would u stay physically, but not emotionally. wats the point? i hate the fact that u get so consumed and u burn up with ur problems or thoughts or w/e u let get 2 u that u forget me as usual. but i guess i should b use 2 it, its still hard on me every time. i guess i cant let my hope fall, pretending every day that i doesnt bother me. stoic, u taught me that. is that wat u consider a life lesson, learned at 7 kept forever.*sigh, i guess i'll finish throwin up emotional crap about u later.


second problem, i love u so much. but i feel like ur askin so much of me emotionally and i cant supply ur demands. u take so much of my energy, i have 2 use so much 2 keep u happy. at the end i feel like ur not happy at all, cuz u keep askin 4 more, and my efforts were worthless. i spend so much of my energy tryin 2 keep u close, i have so many other problems that when i try 2 focus my attention on them im too tired 2 cuz i dont have enuf energy. u've been talkin 2 me for 3 weeks straight every day, i dont even talk 2 the other ppl in my life that often. i need a break, i feel claustrophobic. i mean i dont want u gone just let off the gas for a little while, slow down. plz or im gonna bust and i cant take that rite now. there's too much goin on and i have 2 stay calm and ahead. plz dont dump ur emotional problems on me again, i love u but plz.


third problem, u fuckin asshole. how dare u? u wanna leave, its not like u were here 2 begin with. wat the first 14 years, where the hell were u? not here wtf. u cause more pain, drama, loneliness, hurt than any one person should. u dont see it cuz u dont wanna see it and it doesnt hurt or concern u. well u knoe wat fuck u. damn u, im so tired of worrying about wats gonna happen day after day. not knowing if everything is gonna b alright or just another day where i wanna shoot u, or myself. more u than me. u knoe wat u tried so hard not 2 b him or u hated him so much that he consumed ur thoughts and now ur exactly like him, the only difference is ur partner is strong not weak. and there's only 1 not 8. ha! lucky 4 u. lol. life's a bitch, but its ok cuz u'll get urs muthafucker. i knoe for a fact, everything u put us through will come bak a 100 times worse on u. who the hell r u? seriously, do u expect me 2 knoe or even give a damn. y r u still here, cuz ur afraid 2 b alone well get the hell over it. u have no fuckin clue wat lonely truly is. i hope u learn it though, i hope u suffer from it. damn u, u fake ass hypocrite.

now i kinda feel better. im sure i have other things botherin me.....